Oh … so I left this for a while again. And I really shouldn’t be writing this now because I have all sorts of reading/writing/thinking I should be engaged in to advance the likelihood of graduating. But I needed a break. And this was rolling around in my cabeza so much that I cannot concentrate on anything else.
A number of people have asked me how I’m ‘enjoying’ grad school. Most of the people who ask me are friends I knew from college, or people I know who attended college and have advanced degrees. So, why do they use the word ‘enjoy’ to ask me about my work? Is it because they really don’t want to know what fresh hell I have subjected myself to? How I find myself up at 2:00 am at least once a week and a few days later wake up at 3:00 am and can’t get to sleep because I’ve just processes something so important I need to write it down immediately. Then, I start thinking about all the ways that one brilliant thought is linked to the eight different concepts I’ve been wrestling with for the past month (or two months … or more) and four hours later I realize that my vision has become blurry and I can barely walk from lack of breathing and sustenance (water .. toast).
It’s really not pretty at all. Yes, I do take an occasional break to visit with friends or family that come to visit. I took a whole Friday eve./Saturday off in October to enjoy all of my college friends who returned for our 30th reunion homecoming weekend. I’ve had a glass of wine on occasion. I’ve even watched TV some, but I have little ‘free time’ as most 50-somethings do on weekends, in evenings, and Sunday afternoons. And I still pay the bills (for both houses), grocery shop, wash dishes, clean the tub (occasionally). I talk with family on the phone regularly, and catch up with others on social media when I need a few minutes to unplug.
But learning is tedious work. And working with people you don’t know very well is stressful. And having to adhere to others’ schedules and expectations is exasperating, difficult, and even soul-crushing at times. I tend to not care about grades: I’m in this for the experience and the mind-expanding that happens with real learning.
I hope it all pays off. But it is messy … and beautiful.