Some days are better than other, right? I have to remember that . . some days are much better than others. And then others are worse. Yesterday was not a good day. I was tired, feeling completely out of sorts and didn’t get home until 6:30. My almost-13 year-old was downstairs doing what? Playing X-Box. And I’m thinking (for the millionth time in the two weeks that it has been in the house) “how much of the last 3.5 hours he’s been home has that thing been occupying his mind?”
I know I need to let him “find himself” and all of that crap, but it’s just too much some days — and, he’s only 12, really. But I wasn’t up for a fight, argument, or whatever would ensue when I even hinted that dinner might take precedence over the killing game he had to have and play incessantly. So I waited him out — well, I waited an hour to insist that we have dinner. But by then I was grumpy, strung out, hungry and just-plain almost crazy. I lost my temper — I am far enough past it that I can admit that freely. And I think everyone close to me would agree that it is hard for me to re-gain the high ground once I reach that point. I won’t belabor the result: I lost my temper and told my 12 year-old “you have no life!”
If I didn’t think I had already hit rock-bottom before, I knew I was there after I said it. He was visibly hurt. He became sullen, reproachful and spent the rest of the evening listening to music (loudly) in his room and sulking. He refused to let me kiss him good-night. “My god,” I thought “I’ve doomed our relationship. I’ve committed the cardinal sin of interacting with my tween and now I’m going to pay for it the rest of my life.”
I should take a minute to mention that this new X-Box obsession is the most-recent in a series of video-related fixations over the past two years. Our family (both sides) has clear and historically traceable issues with addictive behaviors. Previous attempts at self-regulation have not resulted in my son learning how to control his impulses or manage the time he spends playing games, watching TV or hovering over his iTouch. I get the fascination – I understand the allure. But I’ve also been victim to the feeling myself, and I’m not sure that 12 (almost 13) year-olds can be left to their own devices to regulate their behavior.
This morning I decided to do something a bit different. I took away the controllers for the X-Box. I stashed the remotes for the TV. And I waited to get my afternoon phone call – resolved to stay strong and insist that he find something else to do. And that’s exactly what happened.
The real story is in what happened when I got home. My son talked to me. Yes, he asked if he could play X-Box, and watch TV, but I didn’t give in. But he stayed and talked to me about all sorts of things that were on his mind. And he helped his father with some household repairs. And he rode his bike. And he got the trash and recycling out. And then he talked some more. He actually talked more about what he’s been doing (in school) and thinking about than he has in a month.
And the big payoff came with his realization that he was done being angry “because it wouldn’t do any good.” Then, he wanted to play a game with us. And he talked some more.
This was a good day, indeed.
Stories from the Edge 