(Originally posted to BlogHer on 3/14/13)
About ten years ago, my husband two kids and I were at our regular Wednesday evening pizza dinner at our local joint. We usually met there on the way home once a month to break up the evening and do something different. There was nothing significant about this particular Wednesday, except that my son was not in the mood to sit an eat pizza when we were. This was not so unusual, as he was not a ‘sit quietly and eat’ kind of kid in the first place.
But the evening was not the typical relaxing easy dinner out either. The kids were cranky, and my husband and I obviously had looks on our faces that read of our exasperation. As I was putting on my daughter’s jacket another family – with a couple of teen agers – shuffled by us. The father stopped and gave me a pleasant, knowing smile. “Don’t worry,” he said, “enjoy them now. It gets more complicated when they’re older.” I smiled back and said something to respond, but I couldn’t help thinking to myself “clearly you don’t have good recall of these years.”
I had not experienced parenting other than my two young ones. I remembered being a teen, but at that point had not stood on the other side of ‘the line’. Now I am. My son is 15.5 and my daughter is 18.5. She is in college clear across the country. He is a growing teen in every way. And almost every day I remember the brief conversation in the restaurant with that father of teens as if it was happening right now. It is more complicated, and more difficult to make good parenting decisions, now that our children are older. He was right, and I find myself wanting to impart the same wisdom on parents with young children that I encounter.
It’s not that the kids are making more ‘bad’ choices, or demanding more parental involvement. Quite the opposite. But when called upon, the opinions you give, the advice you dispense, the attitude you project as a parent is immediately interpreted and internalized by a teen ager in more complex ways and with lasting consequences than when a child is six or eight. The questions they do ask, or the issues they are facing, involve value judgements. The opinions they develop and the actions they take often have lasting impact or consequences. What you say matters, and you find yourself contemplating just what you want to say in order to ensure the best possible outcome.
In those moments when I feel compelled to dispense some parental wisdom I often have to balance what I want to say with how it will be interpreted. I have to reflect on how much of my attitude I want them to see, and how much of my parents’ values are bleeding through without me being fully aware.
One of my favorite examples was a debate my daughter and I had last spring when we were ordering graduation invitations and announcements. If you haven’t been there yet, just wait. It’s a virtual schmorgasboard of choices that vendors will gladly charge you an arm and a leg for. My daughter did not want to order Thank You notes. She thought they were a waste of paper, and money. I agreed about ordering them with the school seal and ‘thank you’ embossed on them. “But,” I added, “you do need to send thank yous for any gifts that you receive.” She did not agree. “Why do I need to send thank you’s to people if I’m going to see them at graduation and thank them then? Why do I need to send them a card they’re just going to likely turn around and throw away?” I won’t go into the details of my response, but it took several conversations to impart the importance of 1) thanking people appropriately, and 2) doing it in a ‘socially acceptable’ way. She had a point, and while I did as well, in her world of instant messaging and easily made phone calls thank-you notes did not make a whole lot of sense.
I have found myself in countless situations as this, trying to explain a perspective or instill values that run contrary to the way kids live today. I’ve had to bridge the gap between the teen generation and that of their grandparents or older relatives. I’ve drawn information or opinions out of one of my kids only to find out that their perspective is dramatically limited either by their experiences or cultural understanding. I’ve found myself having to explain the behaviors or actions of people my own age that don’t seem rational. And I’ve had to do it with an understanding of how my words and perspective are shaping the opinions and values of a new generation, and possibly their children (in the future, of course).
These conversations and influences are mostly rewarding, although I will admit that there have been plenty of times I wish I’d had more time to think through my response or reaction to a situation before I had answered. It is more complex than managing a couple of cranky kids in a pizza parlor on a Wednesday night. But, when they’re that age, and you don’t have any other frame of reference, those seem like pretty complex negotiations as well.
Stories from the Edge 